Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
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My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
liiiiiiiiike
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
How to find Kentucky on a map
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.