@TylerLinkin

Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.

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@ArfMeasures

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”350279375893176320″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”118″;s:5:”tweet”;s:140:”Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@NotOnTheMoors

There’s a section of my fridge/freezer devoted to ageing things I bought because the free sample in the supermarket was quite tasty.

@Mom_Overboard

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

@roxiqt

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

@Girl15Gone

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

@Thynebear

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

@themcgillicutty

Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.

@elle91

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this