Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
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that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
So Hamburger help me, God
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
time for some seasonal decor
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”