Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
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Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
But I really needed water water water
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?