Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.