Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
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Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit