Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
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The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name