bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
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*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]