Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good