Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Mmmm canned fish.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.