No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
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How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don’t. So, from now on I’m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
“sir do u know why i pulled u over”
*hands cop box of crayons*
*hands cop coloring book*
*cop starts coloring*