Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.