Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.