BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
You Might Also Like
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Best table by far
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
The best plant holders?
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.