Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

Finished stitching this today 😇

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

our love story in four pictures

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.