BaD BoY!!
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM