Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

☠️ ☠️

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.

remember

only for emergencies

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.