Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

This took me a second..

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

New mindset, who dis?