Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Print is alive and well!!!

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.