Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”