Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

SCARY COSTUME

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.