Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Good morning.

I am yelling

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.