Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
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“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Wait a minute
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period