Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
cyclists
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Delightful if true: booby trap.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today