Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

How your email finds me

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?