Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
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Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Jokes on them. I took 10.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?