Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
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Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
technically true but not a great slogan
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?