Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
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Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
We’re all getting idioter.
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud