Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!

Me: yeah? let me see.

Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.