Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
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MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The point of your 20s
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*