Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
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The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I get distracted pretty eas
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.