Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud