Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*