Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking