Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
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Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE