Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

ㅤ

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Erm…

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.