Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.