Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
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Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Storm Tropical Storm
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x