Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
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On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.