When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”