Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.