Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Help Wanted

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Bloody internet 😳

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/