Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

I can’t deal with men any longer

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED