Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
You Might Also Like
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
🥲
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”