Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

One venti cheeseburger please.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.