Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

the saddest jazz hands ever

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?