Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time