Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

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Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.


man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop


It’s funny how you think it’s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.


I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.


Daughter just told me, “Dad, I don’t make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches.”

One day her picture will be on money.


“What’s your secret?!”
I eat fireworks


Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”


* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.


Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”