Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

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“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”


Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.


[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?


The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.


The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.


8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?

Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.

8: What?

Me: Nothing.

8: I’m telling mom.


I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.


[History Channel]

Veteran: [terrified] And then he died.

Reporter: But what was it like only having to memorize 1 password for everything?


It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again