@TheBoydP

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

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@gamecox93

Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.

@FU_TangClan

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you think it’s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.

@AndyAsAdjective

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

@sweetandweak

Daughter just told me, “Dad, I don’t make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches.”

One day her picture will be on money.

@AdderallMomma

“BANGING BODY”
Thanks
“What’s your secret?!”
I eat fireworks
“…”
BOOM

@hazelmotes1

Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”

@Shade510

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

@dmc1138

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”