@TheBoydP

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

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@nyquills

Wife: we need to talk about your childish behavior.

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: *sigh* we need to talk about your childish behavior… Over.

Me: *clicking walkie talkie* please bring a PBJ up to the tree house and we’ll negotiate, over.

@Poutymcgee

I just Googled “Living with Glaucoma” before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.

@daryl_licked

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

@Ameiam

Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

@SJKSalisbury

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

@AphroditeAfter5

Yes Grandma, I’m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq

@RandomlyMJ

*hits on a guy*

He’s bleeding. I think I’m doing this wrong.

@envydatropic

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks