Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
You Might Also Like
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
It’s funny how you think it’s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Daughter just told me, “Dad, I don’t make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches.”
One day her picture will be on money.
“What’s your secret?!”
I eat fireworks
Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”