Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

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Wife: we need to talk about your childish behavior.




Wife: *sigh* we need to talk about your childish behavior… Over.

Me: *clicking walkie talkie* please bring a PBJ up to the tree house and we’ll negotiate, over.


I just Googled “Living with Glaucoma” before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.


Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.


Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.


Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.


Yes Grandma, I’m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq


*hits on a guy*

He’s bleeding. I think I’m doing this wrong.


I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks