@TheBoydP

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

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@UncleDuke1969

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

@UncleDuke1969

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

@Jeffwni

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

@LackOfShame

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

@shutupmikeginn

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

@jergarl

8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?

Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.

8: What?

Me: Nothing.

8: I’m telling mom.

@AsgardianRose

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

@ComedicBust

[History Channel]

Veteran: [terrified] And then he died.

Reporter: But what was it like only having to memorize 1 password for everything?

@shutupmikeginn

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again