Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
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Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?