Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
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[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?