Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Bobby pin

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

Care for your back

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d