Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.