Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
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My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what