Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.![]()
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Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
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when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
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As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*