Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]