Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.![]()
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sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?