Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

why does this building look like a guilty dog

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.