Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

Just a reminder, folks:

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.