Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery