[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Clients after you give them your rates
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again