Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

*seductively corrects your posture*

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne