Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
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He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
🛁
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.