Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
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grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Don’t touch that.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.