Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
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WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target