Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.