bad news gang
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BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?