bad news gang
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a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.