Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

We’ve all been there…

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”

“Orange”

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault