Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings