Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?