@toastymoe

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

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@neiltyson

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

@Contwixt

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

@handsock_butts

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

@TheWadest

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

@pplwtching

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

@hero_ofthenight

So apparently airport security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.

@darksidedeb

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

@OllyiConic

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

@daemonic3

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.