Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
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One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
My beach vacation Google searches
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way