Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

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When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.


He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”


Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home


Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.


I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet


Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway


Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.


Daughter: should I kill my enemies with kindness?

Me: that’s the last thing you should do.

Daughter: oh.

Me: first fight them with forgiveness.


Me: stab them with a smile.


Me: bludgeon them with inner beauty.


Me: then kill them with kindness


Thinking about how there are no Sour Patch Adults because we eat all the children.


Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.