Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
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I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?