Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
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The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
🙅🏻
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.