Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
You Might Also Like
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
