Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.