Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

After hand washing your cat, put up to dry

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*