Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Warm pools make me nervous.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails