Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
selfie game
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.