Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?